What My Mother Taught Me
by Saber Girls
Summary: You learn all sorts of stuff when Leia is your mom... My mother taught me about KITCHEN APPLIANCES: '... and this is why we never put thermal detonators in the dishwasher.
1. Leia aka Mom

What My Mother Taught Me: The Jaina Solo Version

By Saber Girl Jaina

AN: This isn't so much a fic as a list of the kind of life lessons you'd get in the Solo household. It's based on a funny list Leia sent me, with things like:

"My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'"

Being me, I emidatly made a Jaina version. If anyone likes this, I may make versions for other characters.

Disclaimer: I didn't do it!

My mother taught me about DRUNKENNESS. "It's what happens when you put to many Corellians in the same room."

My mother taught me about PROPER LANGUAGE. "If your father says it when he's angry, it's probably a misdemeanor to say it on some planets."

My mother taught me about DIPLOMACY. "Its what you do until the other guy pulls out a blaster. Then you can shoot him."

My mother taught me about MERCY. "At least try to remember to set for stun."

My mother taught me about THE DARK SIDE. "If you don't get out of the kitchen this INSTANT I swear I am going Sith!"

My mother taught me about WEAPONS SAFETY. "Never, ever, stick a carrot in the end of your father's blaster again!"

My mother taught me about BASIC SHIP REPAIR. "Don't imitate your father's method. Yes, it works, but you'll also notice he has a few scars he didn't get in fights."

My mother taught me about EVADING PUNISHMENT. "Yes, Councilor Fe'lya, I know that it is a criminal offence for unauthorised personnel have access to this meeting. But don't you think the best security forces the galaxy has to offer should be able to find a five year old hiding under the table? And aren't you in charge of them?"

My mother taught me about LOVE. "Don't worry about it if your crush wants to murder you initially. In this family that's a very good sign."

My mother taught me about KITCHEN APPLIANCES. "... and this is why we never put thermal detonators in the dishwasher."

My mother taught me about THE PROPER WAY TO RECIEVE GIFTS. "If it's from one of your father's friends it's probably spiked with whiskey, if its from one of my friends I'll get you something less frilly later if you're very polite, and if it's from anyone you haven't known for almost your entire life it's probably a explosive device designed to cripple the workings of the Republic."


	2. Rogue Squadron

I got a great response to my first post, so (high on ego boost, to sick to go to school, and too lazy to do homework), I'm writing another chapter. More to come if people still like this.

Jaina

ARtR:

owphoenix: Many thanks.

KnightedRouge: Yeah, I like that one too. Many thanks, and it's an honor to be reviewed by you.

SuP3R G1R: Arigato. Now go write stuff your own so I can review back!

What Rouge Squadron Taught Me

Rouge Squadron taught me about MATURITY. "Major Janson, give the teddy bear back."

Rouge Squadron taught me about AVOIDING CULPABILITY. "Wes did it!"

Rouge Squadron taught me about the MILITARY CHAIN OF COMMAND. "Don't tell Admiral Akbar I told you this, but Lieutenant Kettch is actually the one who runs things around here."

Rouge Squadron taught me about MY FAMILY HISTORY. "… and then Wes and Hobbie locked your uncle in the 'fresher with Chewy for three hours."

Rouge Squadron taught me about ADVANCED WEAPON SAFETY. "Do not give Wes a blaster when there are no Imperials around, because he _will _find something to shoot, and it may just happen to have a lawyer."

Rouge Squadron taught me about MIXING DRINKS. "The more Whyrven's Reserve you put in the hot chocolate, the more funny stories Mr. Calrissian tells."

Rouge Squadron taught me about INTELLIGENCE OPERATIVES. "They _always _know where you're hiding the anniversary present."

Done. Anyone interested in what Luke learned from Yoda?


	3. Mara to Luke

What My Fiancée Taught Me: by Luke Skywalker

by Saber Girl Leia

Yeah, this is SG Jaina's fic... I hope she doesn't mind. /GULP. What's the lightsaber for, dear/ But it's just one shots so I suppose a chapter of mine won't detract much. Probably not as funny as hers though...

My fiancée taught me about HUMILITY. "I'm going to kill you. There's nothing you can do about it."

My fiancée taught me about IRONY. "Why do you want to pick that day for our wedding?" "It's the anniversary of me not killing you for the first time."

My fiancée taught me about INSANITY. "Just keep telling the little voices in your head to leave you alone. If that doesn't work, kill somebody."

My fiancée taught me about TRUE LOVE. "You'd better love me. I gave up my ship for you!"

My fiancée taught me about IMPORTANT LIFE EXPERIENCE. "You haven't really lived until you've had a major role on _both_ sides of the war."

My fiancée taught me about FASHION. "Only I can wear all black! You must wear color!"

My fiancée taught me about PATIENCE. "I'm going to count to three..."

My fiancée taught me HOW TO DEAL WITH MAJOR WEAPONS. "Get me one for my ship, okay?"

My fiancée taught me about WEDDING PLANNING. "The weapons check will be here, then we need a metal detector just in case, oh, and the barricade to hold off the media belongs about here..."

My fiancée taught me about IGNORANCE. "You're Darth Vader's son!"

My fiancée taught me about A GOOD TIME. "No one died!"

My fiancée taught me about GOOD MANNERS. "Make sure your target isn't standing on the good white carpet when you shoot."


	4. Yoda

What Yoda Taught Me

by Saber Girl Jaina

A/N: WH007! People really like this! I am ubër happy. Leia and I thank you all for your reviews. I wanted to go ahead and get this up, but we'll respond to them individually next chapter.

A/N 2: (Re-post) Sorry if this chapter was down for a bit, but something needed fixing: while I generally consider disclaimers something not to be taken too seriously, that's because I figure putting stuff in a section labeled "Star Wars" is a pretty good clue as to who owns this stuff. (Same disclaimers as in first chappy apply to this whole fic.) This, installation, however contains a reference to Terry Prachet in the third entry. So read the list, and then read some Prachet novels. They're like Douglass Adams, but fantasy.

P.S.: EPISODE III ROCKS!

What Yoda taught me about WEAPONRY "Lightsaber it may not be, but much pain I can cause you with my stick!"

What Yoda taught me about DROID REPAIR "Aside from being excellent disciplinary aid, stick many other uses has. Result in resuming of normal functions in droids, repeated thumping with stick may."

What Yoda taught me about WILDERNESS SURVIVAL "Eat not the mushrooms with doors and windows."

What Yoda taught me about HOW TO DEAL WITH ODD FOOD "If move it does, complain not. Rude this is. Simply whack with stick until cease, the movement does."

What Yoda taught me about HOLIDAYS "My relatives, Santa's elves are. See to it that you get coal, I can."

What Yoda taught me about COMPLAINING UNDER YOUR BREATH "Not simply for show, these ears are. Face the wrath of the stick, you will."

What Yoda taught me about THE FUTURE "Set in stone, it is not. Still, unlikely it is that you will find enough parts to repair that droid, if continue to bother me it does."

What Yoda taught me about PERSPECTIVE "If going nowhere, the fighter is, then a stove, this is, not an atmospheric engine."

What Yoda taught me about EXCEPTIONS "If capable of eating the droid it is, then for once, worthless, the stick may be."

What Yoda taught me about SIZE "Size, for the most part, matters not. Attempting to fit through small holes, the exception is."


	5. Aunt Mara

What My Aunt Mara Taught Me

A/N: Okay, three things:

1.I'm not even going to _try _to respond to all the reviews anymore- too many, too fast for lazy little me. Maybe Leia will. I dunno. Still, I'm reading every single one.

2.As mentioned above, I'm lazy as hell. Thus, I implore you all to suggest future topics. In fact-

3.-this chapter is based on a suggestion from ariapage (read her stuff, she's registered). She suggested doing an entry from Mara to an OC daughter, but I'm a bit squeamish about OCs. Still, it occurred to me that, seeing as Jaina was Mara's apprentice, she would have had a chance to impart some… feminine wisdom to her niece.

4.WARNING: Girly junk ahead. …Well, sorta. My friends would be quick to tell you that I'm about as girly as Mara herself. None the less, beware the menstrual joke.

My Aunt Mara taught me about DRESSING FOR THE OCCASION. "… and if the number of Imperials attending exceeds three, wear red. The bloodstains will show up less."

My Aunt Mara taught me about RESOURCEFULNESS. "If you can't find a pad, well… that's another good reason to carry fabric bandages instead of just bacta patches."

My Aunt Mara taught me about PRANKS. "Wes did. Wes _always_ does it."

My Aunt Mara taught me about PAYBACK. "The best way to get back at him is to share embarrassing stories."

My Aunt Mara taught me about REMEMBERING DETAILS. "I hope you remember some of those funny stories Mr. Calrissian told."

My Aunt Mara taught me about MAKEUP. "Lipstick cases are good for concealing comlinks, blush in the eye can really hurt, and nail polish remover is mildly toxic to some species from the Outer Rim."

My Aunt Mara taught me about EMERGENCY SHIP REPAIRS. "If all else fails, hit the consul repeatedly and curse violently."

My Aunt Mara taught me about MALE ANATOMY. "They're pathetically vulnerable to blows to the crotch."

My Aunt Mara taught me about BRAS. "If worse comes to worse, you can strangle someone with it."

My Aunt Mara taught me about HOSE. "Completely useless for concealing weapons, but it makes an effective gag."

My Aunt Mara taught me about JEWELRY. "Again, strangulation. Also good for concealing electronics and poison needles."

My Aunt Mara taught me about DATING. "Carry concealed and always remember to scope out the restaurant first."

My Aunt Mara taught me A METHOD OF CUTTING WALLS SO THAT THEY FALL DOWN _AFTER_ YOU GET AWAY. "Trust me, it may come in handy."


	6. Father Han

**What My Father Taught Me**

by Saber Girl Leia

From a suggestion by SailorLeia.

Han's advice to his children. Most can apply to any or all of them, but if one is specific, I will specify. ;)

There may be more later, but I am having Internet trouble and just trying to post something at the moment.

My father taught me about MY FAMILY HISTORY. "There's no drinking age on Corilleia. And we all have to pass on our traditions, you know. The secret is to not mention this to your mother."

My father taught me RESPONSIBILITY. "I swear, if there's a single scratch on my ship when you get back..."

My father taught me about AGING. "You know, I can't even remember if it was me or Greedo who shot first anymore..." (wink, wink, gag)

My father taught me SAFETY. "Don't try anything you see me do when I'm fixing the _Falcon_. Or fighting. Or cooking..."

My father taught me NEW VOCABULARY. "CENSORED"

My father taught me about DATING. "Just make sure you have at least one more hidden weapon than he does." (Or she does, for Jacen and Anakin).

My father taught me about DIETING. "We don't eat cinammon buns in this household, kids. Ask your mother if you want to know why."

My father taught me about REWARDS. "If you're very good kids, I'll let you go stay with Uncle Luke next time we go out, instead of C-3PO."


	7. Grandpa Anakin

**What I Wish I Could Tell My Granddaughter**

**By Saber Girl Jaina**

**A/N:** Comments on birth-control pushed us up a rating. Remember kids, scary mask guy has it write on this one! Furthermore, keep the suggestions rolling. An idea of my own: we've heard so much about Wes, maybe we should see what he himself has to say. Anyone interested?

**Credits:** From **Vegimite**'s suggestion for Anakin/Jaina advice giving- I'm trying not to break with continuity, so this is what he would tell her if they could talk to her. He told Yoda all about this, until he got hit with the non-corporeal-stick-'o-doom. Then he went off to talk to Obi-Wan.

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I wish I could tell my granddaughter about BUREAUCRACY. "There _is_ one evil greater than the Sith."

I wish I could tell my granddaughter about POLITICIANS. "Most of them are annoying. Some of them are the source of all evil."

I wish I could tell my granddaughter about MAINTAINING THE SECRECY OF CLANDESTINE AFFAIRS. "If you're having sex with a senator, for the Force's sake, use protection!"

I wish I could tell my grand_daughter_ about THE RELATIVITY OF RELEVANCE. "… wait, that doesn't exactly work the same way in your case, does it? WELL USE PROTECTION ANYWAY! I WASN'T THE ONE TO GET PREGNANT, YET I STILL ENDED UP SLAUGHTERING MILLIONS!"

I wish I could tell my granddaughter about _THEM_. "They're always there. There are never more than two but they're always there. You may laugh at me now, but just wait! Just wait until they come for you!"

I wish I could tell my granddaughter about GUNGANS. "Okay, two evils."

I wish I could tell my granddaughter about FAMILY TRADITIONS. "By the time you're thirty, you must have lost your right hand and blown up a large spherical ship which is threatening the continued freedom of at least one planet."

I wish I could tell my granddaughter about THE GALACTIC ECONOMY. "-and Tatooine's main exports are Jedi and starfighter pilots."


	8. Wes Janson

**_What Wes Janson Taught Me_**

_By Saber Girl Jaina_

**A/N: **Back to your suggestions next chapter guys, so keep 'em rolling. We're taking a quick break from reader suggestions because, quite frankly, this has to be done. Also, about the Luke and alcohol bit: we all know he's not the type to drink heavily, but in his youth? Come on folks, he was surrounded by Corellians! There had to be a few incidents.

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Wes Janson taught me about STEALTH. "If you're really careful, you can replace your uncle's lightsaber with a glowstick, and he won't notice until the shooting starts!"

Wes Janson taught me about SOME OF THE MOST DISTINGUISHED MEMBERS OF THE NEW REPUBLIC MILITARY. "Wedge slept with a nightlight for weeks after the battle of Yavin."

Wes Janson taught me about LIGHTSABERS. "This one time Lieutenant Kettch stole Corran's and left it in the women's changing room of the base gymnasium. It was really funny until that girl from Taris figured it was some sort of deodorant can..."

Wes Janson taught me about PRANKS. "Kettch did it. Kettch _always_ does it."

Wes Janson taught me about BLASTERS. "They're my favorite toys!"

Wes Janson taught me about POLITICAL SCIENCE. "We'd all be better off if we just let the Ewoks rule the universe."

Wes Janson taught me about FASHION. "Adumar is the only planet in this galaxy that actually understands the subtle genius of my taste in clothes."

Wes Janson taught me about THE INTRICACIES OF STARFIGHTER COMBAT. "The more TIEs you blow up, the more drinks you get."

Wes Janson taught me about THE IMPERIAL COMMAND STRUCTURE. "I here they used to promote guys based on the number of words they could say to Vader and live."

Wes Janson taught me about THE NATURE OF EVIL. "Bad guys build super-weapons. Good guys blow them up. Describing what we get paid for doing would require using words your mom would disembowel me for even thinking near you."

Wes Janson taught me about CHANGE. "Back before your uncle became a Jedi, and learned to send the alcohol straight to his sweat glands he was really funny when he was drunk."


	9. Chewie

What Chewbacca Taught Me

by Saber Girl Jaina

A/N: The spell-check recognizes Chewie's name. Wow.

Credits: Today we will hear the wisdom imparted to the Solo children by Chewbacca, as suggested by Stevdown, and Silindro (happy late birthday, Sil'). The way Chewie talks is inspired by 'The Not Quite Love Letters' by Limelight, Queen Mother of Star Wars humor. I hope very much that I will not be executed for this emulation.

NOTE: THE FOLLOWING HAS BEEN TRANSLATED FROM SHIRIIWOOK FOR YOUR CONTINENCE, AND BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A FONT FOR THAT LANGUAGE.

Chewbacca taught me about NAMES. "Consider the possible nicknames, cubs, or you may end up with a son whose friends call him 'Lumpy.'"

Chewbacca taught me about DERJAK. "Cub, be glad you are of my honor family. Were you not, you would have less of a right arm than your uncle."

Chewbacca taught me about JEDI MASTERS. "They have a way of reappearing in galactic events when you least expect them too, much like a gartra lizard with bathrooms."

Chewbacca taught me about ROMANCE. "If he brings you a dead lizard, cub, he must really like you."

Chewbacca taught me about SHIP REPAIR. "Let your father do the jobs that involve zappy things."

Chewbacca taught me about EWOKS. "Ewoks are like Wookies, but smaller, and less likely to pull of your arm when you win at derjak, cub."

Chewbacca taught me about SHIP MODIFICATIONS. "Cubs, the most difficult thing to do to a ship is to expand the fresher to suit a Wookie. Your father nearly destroyed the cargo hold trying."

Chewbacca taught me about STORMTROOPERS. "Crunchy."

Chewbacca taught me about RATION BARS. "They taste bad, cubs, very bad. But the worst thing about them is that there is no CHALLENGE. One cannot hunt a ration bar."


	10. Grandma Padme

**What I Wish I Could Tell My Granddaughter, Padme's Take**

**by Saber Girl Jaina**

**Here it is by popular demand(Padakin, StevDown, SailorLeia, and Jillie Rose's to be specific)- Padme's little contribution to this… whatever the hell this is (advantage of a non-K rating number 675: I can use mild language. WH007!). I wouldn't exactly call it a fic, but it's certainly "fan."**

**BTY, you guys (my loyal fans, reviewers, and suggestion providers) now have your own spreadsheet on my compy, where I keep track of who suggests what.**

**Also, I poke fun at Obidala fics here. Check the bottom of our profile for my explanation.**

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I wish I could tell my granddaughter about GUNGANS. "They're great allies in a pinch, very loyal. Just don't try to bring them to state dinners."

I wish I could tell my granddaughter about THE FAMILY CURSE. "Threepio will continue to plague you and your descendents until his silver leg is returned to the junkyard where Anakin found it, along with an offering of Bantha steak."

I wish I could tell my granddaughter about PODRACING. "Gambling is a sin. I'm not incredibly religious, but this one just seems to come back to you whether you win or loose."

I wish I could tell my granddaughter about WINDOWS. "Don't just settle for the projectile-proof transparasteel."

I wish I could tell my granddaughter about SLANDER. "Would you believe the Sludge News insisted for years that Obi-Wan and I were an item?"

I wish I could tell my granddaughter about HUTS. "I never did have the chance to try that Slug-Away© on Jabba, but I still think your mother's methods were a BIT excessive."

I wish I could tell my granddaughter about THINKING IN PRACTICAL TERMS. "It doesn't MATTER if Fett got away. He wasn't exactly limited edition."

I wish I could tell my granddaughter about JEDI. "The short ones seem to last longer."

I wish I could tell my granddaughter about AGING. "Has anyone seen my planet? I haven't seen it in years, it seems."

I wish I could tell my granddaughter about SHIPS. "Yes, your grandpa's starfighter was great. Way ahead of its time, with onboard hyperdrive and everything. But it was nowhere as _SHINY_ as mine."


End file.
